To Those That Can’t Let Go,
I know it hurts. It hurts to think about letting go of your person. Thinking about your person not being here to answer your phone call, text message, reply to that awful image you tagged them in on Facebook, or just having them around. Grieving is hard, but letting go is hard, too. I, myself, have lost more people in my twentysomething years than some lose in a lifetime – or so I’ve been told. To date, I have lost two aunts, two grandpas, one grandmother, a mother, and a best friend. All of these, within a ten year span. I know that I’m not the only one who suffers a loss like any of these.
I have had sleepless nights. I have had unspeakable thoughts. I have not grieved. Not one single time. I have found that in the past decade, I do not grieve, I distract. I have not learned to let go, I have learned to seek distractions in all things. Writing, for example, being a distraction. Finding multiple jobs to keep me out of the house: distractions. Going out to bars and having one too many cocktails: distractions. Binge watching Disney movies, Audrey Hepburn movies, or anything else binge-worthy on Netflix: distractions. I have come to realize that everything I do has been distracting me from facing my true fear: letting go.
I have not grieved. I have not truly grieved. I have not truly felt the pain and heartache that came with the loss of my mother. I have not truly felt the heartache that came with the loss of my best friend. More or less, I have closed myself off – disabling myself to feel anything. Rather than feeling the pain and anguish that comes with each loss thrown my way, I shut it out. I flip the switch inside my mentality that tells me to let go and I sit there and try to imagine what the “new normal” will be like. And every time I sit there in wonder, I am swallowed whole by a pit of emotions that cannot be summed up into one word. I go completely numb.
My wish for not just me, but for you – the one that is also struggling – is to be able to feel again. The ability to not be numb anymore. I want to feel the pain, because if I feel the pain, I will be able to grieve. And when I’m able to grieve, I’ll be able to let go.
Until then, just remember that it is okay to cry. It is okay to hurt. And it is okay to let go.
Best of luck,
The Girl That Can’t Let Go