There comes a time in every student’s week when they can’t handle the stress of trying to eat those damn floppy salads, burgers and other sides the ol’ caf has to offer. There comes a time when the Miller Lite makes that psss sound opening, the game clicks on, and the freezer opens in search of some tasty ass unhealthy frozen pizzas. We did our best to rank the top ones for drinkin’ and bein lazy on the weekends. Pardon our bias with the first one, we couldn’t help it.
- Heggies Pizza
- Born amongst drunk people, Heggies pizzas have made a name for themselves being sold in bars located in the state of Minnesota, where production is still located. It will undoubtedly expand even more in the next few years, as the company erected a large production facility in 2008 and has been creeping into the surrounding states ever since. Let’s hope you live in the Dakotas, Iowa, Wisconsin or Minnesnowta if you want some grease on your beer glass. We’ve heard people aren’t afraid to chase down the truck either, so if he gets lost in your state you might have a chance.
- The great thing about this pizza is that since it is in fact not delivery, you won’t have to worry about screwing up the order over the phone at 1:00 am in a drunken haze. Now if only you can manage to not pass out before the 18 minutes are up and one of old man DiGiorno’s henchman can sneak in with a delivery pizza to swap out yours, things should work out. What, you thought that these frozen pizzas just went in your oven and came out tasting like they did on their own? Are you crazy? Here’s proof that it really gets delivered by the way:
- Totino’s Party Pizzas
- There isn’t much that can compete for a college student’s money when one pizza retails for about $1.40 at Walmart. That pizza was first introduced by Rose and Jim Totino way back in 1951 before college was expensive as tits, and it continues feeding many intoxicated students after midnight to this day. Sure, it might be the McDonald’s of pizzas, and have received criticism from plenty of people I know for not even tasting like it. BUT A DOLLAR FORTY. Plus pizza or not it’s pretty damn good.
- Tombstone Pizzas
- Some say it tastes like cinnamon according to this Facebook post, and that isn’t a bad thing either! Perhaps something cinnamon related is manufactured in the same facility, who knows. What I do know, is that I can always depend on Tombstone to be in every freezer case imaginable, specifically 24-hour gas stations in mind here. Not gonna exaggerate, it isn’t super over the top, but it cooked well in the spinning pizza cooker thing we weren’t supposed to have in our dorm room freshman year, and that’s what counts. One of these all to myself with a couple PBR’s, that was a good start to the night. My God I’m a fat bastard.
- These were probably the most “two slices left out on the pan” pizzas in my apartment last semester, but they weren’t there long. Well actually sometimes they were there overnight, but I saw to it that they never went in the garbage. Easily my favorite frozen pizza to eat cold or 24 hours old after sitting out, Jack’s has taken care of late night buzzed and early morning hung snacking more than once. On top of all that, it’s never made me sick after sitting out. That, ladies and gentleman, is worth your money.
- Red Baron
- A favorite of my grandfather, nothing sounds better than skating around on a frozen pond and preceding to refuel with some brews and Red Baron Pizzas after. If you aren’t familiar with who this pizza is based on, observe Wikipedia. Yea. A German. Not like a SIEG HEIL JUDEN KILLEN German, but still, they were the bad guys in that war too if you need a refresher. So, uh, now I feel awkward saying I like it but um, the pizza is good end of story! (please read in angry German accent in the style of this guy)
- Tony’s are those pizzas in your grandparents deep freeze they make you take for sustenance out at school after visiting. You might not buy it when shopping out on your own, that’s a given. But when you desperately open up that freezer so you and your ladyfriend can eat something after a crazy night, past the freezer burned vegetables and ice cream, you might hear the faint sound of Stand by Me as the cartoon face of Tony Paglia looks at you from the back like “go ahead man, throw me in the oven. I’ll help get you that blowie if it’s the last thing I do.” You’ll nod at him, and he’ll, well, he’s a picture on a pizza box so he won’t nod back but you get the idea. Good old Tone.
Feel free to aggressively dispute these choices, but there ain’t too many other frozen pizzas that can hold a candle to these. Actually, pizzas can’t hold candles since they don’t have arms. How bout that.